he wants to bone in the snuggie
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
