I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
