Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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