You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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