Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Ladies don't puke and tell
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
