Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
