I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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