Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
