1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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