YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
