You kept calling me your small dog last night.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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