Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
