do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
