I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
