running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
