Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
