Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
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somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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