god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
