I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I will pee on everything he values.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
