I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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