There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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