I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
