I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
