I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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