im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
