I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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