I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
