Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
