I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
