If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
