so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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