I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
