from now on my penis is your penis
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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