She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
