Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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