my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
