Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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