And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
