allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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