Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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