a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
