turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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