Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
