I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
