i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
