he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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