the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
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