dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
