In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
