I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Slut skills are useful in every country.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
