Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
