Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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