New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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