We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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