i jhust puked up my retainher.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
