I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
