Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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